Tag: fiction

Can you help?

~ ewhyard ~ Leave a comment

Every year we decorate the living room for Christmas.

How this is accomplished has varied in structure and style but essentially involves ceiling decorations, a homemade garland for the archway and of course decorating the tree.

The tree.

It was fake and then after smallest was born we opted for a real tree. The process starts by attending the farm to select said tree and ends with the turning on of the lights.

Nothing fancy but a collection of traditions personal to us and non sensical to others.

Like annoying santa , a metal santa about 15cm in length originally designed to be hung somewhere, with his dangly legs and arms and bobbly hat. Now just a body and one arm. Not even a beard , just a mark where beard was. He still hangs and jangles though. Tends to fall off whatever he’s hung on, hence the name annoying Santa.

Then there’s one armed snowman – same sort of thing just a ornament on a shelf. And of course there is no bodied angel (you get it).

The tree features a collection of similar items. There are little wooden men, bells, baubles, stars and some robins- 5 of them actually. Two are the Original Robins. They belonged to my sister and I and we would compete as kids to see who could put ours on  the tree first and position it highest. They now have no eyes, feet and are losing their feathers. Hers in the one with white on its face where the feathers once were. The other three belong to eldest, middlest and smallest. They had a similar competition but it doesn’t seem tot have been carried on with the same gusto.

(my sister has passed away but I still do it every year as it makes me smile to think of us together)

Instead the whole process of putting on the baubles and other tree hangings became their , ‘thing’.

Smallest liked to tell people what to do , middlest wanted to share the responsibility and eldest just wanted to do it alone. Eventually I decided they could take turns until eldest moved out. Then middlest,  I suspect gave in and just gave smallest the job for some peace.

It started off with him putting them at the bottom; all of them, so the rest of the tree was just tinsel and lights. As he got taller so his arrangement got higher and as his perspective grew generally so did his coverage of the tree. its fairly even now.

On top of the tree we used to put the obligatory star or one year I think we had an angel. Subsequent years we got bored and adopted for something which represented the year for us. So we have had a flower and a smiley face. Then we had one armed dave who was a little lego man who used to drive the train on smallests electric train set and was a key part of every game we played. Sad lady got the top spot the year after (similar scenario)

Norman price from the childrens’ programme Firemen Sam made it up there the year after. He should have been a returner as he hung around for years but instead the next year  we had a picture of Lorraine the Papier Mache pig, who we made as a money box and had bobbly eyes. She lost one of them and we made a little rhyme up for her which we would sing a lot throughout the year. Anyway we drew a picture of her for the top of the tree.

The following year we weren’t together sure what to put up there. We actually got a bit grumpy about it all. I remember sitting on the floor and picking up the remaining and baubles as I contemplated whether I should perhaps just go out and buy a star. As I did so I looked in the decoration box and there at the bottom was a black and white picture about 4cm by 6cm of a womans face. She was smiling. I had no idea who she was and picked it up and showed the kids.

Who is this? I said.

I don’t know middlest replied.

Where was it –

In there. Who IS it?

We laughed.

And how did she get in there?

The mood lifted as we looked at her and giggled.

Meryl Christmas , middlest said.

I laughed and so did smallest – is that her name he said.

Well it is now I said. You know what ? I continued

We all said – she can go at the top of the tree.

And she did – for  the next three years Meryl sat at the top of the tree. A very small tree topper but she made us laugh. We never did find out who she was.

As I got out the box of decorations at the weekend, I rummaged around for Meryl.

I cant find Meryl I shouted.

Smallest came in. What? No way.

Yes way no, Meryl. I replied.

She must have fallen out in the move or been thrown away.

We are both genuinely disappointed. As was middlest when I called her. Eldest is, at this point fairly indifferent to the whole tree topping process.

What are you going to do, middlest asked.

I don’t know I said. I will have to think. And I have. It was so bizarre the way we found the picture and then used it. The other things were pretty strange too I suppose, so going out there and getting a traditional tree topper doesn’t seem quite right. Not yet anyway.

Something will pop up smallest said. I like his optimism.

Nothing has just yet.

Its been a week.

(Any suggestions or pictures greatly appreciated………)

Dads poetry

~ ewhyard ~ Leave a comment

My Dad was born in 1938. He moved around in his first couple of years to avoid the risk of serious bombing. He was born in a Garrison town. He ended up not far from there, in a place called Kelevedon in Essex, where he spent many evenings sheltering from bombs anyway. He remembered the moment when it was suddenly not exciting anymore. There was a reality behind it. He remembers the V1s and the V2s. The anti- aircraft guns on the streets. The tractors hauling tanks. He remembers the rationing and the worry. He has carried that. The worry. He also carried the desire to create something and over the years’ he has written many novels, and reams of poetry. None of it published. A lot of it carries the weight of those worries and those that came after.

But other poems make me giggle. You can hear a mans voice in his written words. I can hear Dads.

Not all politically correct probably, (“Porky porky porky pie, makes you fat and then you die…”) but we used to laugh as kids and recite them anyway (that one, when we were standing in the supermarket).

Another one which we loved and which even smallest can recite is written below.

I would like to introduce Mr. Richard Whyard, 87, A wonderful poet and writer. And Dad.

POGO DANCING CAUSES SPINAL INJURY (Newspaper report)

Penguin on a pogo stick! Penguin on a pogo stick!

-it seems a most unlikely trick.

B O I N G , B O I N G , B O I N G,

It bounces along , singing the penguin pogo song:

“I am the bird of Antartic Clime

pogo dancing all the time;

Over the ice floes , mile on mile,

I ‘boing’along with lots of style;

on an on, through storm and blizzard,

Oh, pogo dancing is so wizard!

Sod that stuff about the spine-

It may hurt yours, but never mine!”

He meets a vet, who says “Look here,

You’ll harm your spine, that’s what I fear.

Penguin upon a pogo stick?

What a crazy trick! – one single slip,

And you’ll be a quite a lot less frisky

and probably all slipped-disc-y.”

But through the hail, and storm, and thunder,

It bounces on and across tundra.

Then , bounding through this dismal space

It spies a little eating place:

Now though unmoved by weather grim,

Penguins are quite frankly, pretty dim;

In fact , they really have no clue,

and seeing the notice Penguin Stew,

“How nice, how very nice,” thinks he,

“A dish prepared for little me!”

So , boing! he bounces through the door….

And, Wham! he’s laid out on the floor,

Then slammed into a damn’ great pot

And roasted: Penguin, stick, the lot!

And then there were two.

~ ewhyard ~ Leave a comment

I have collected so much stuff in the 16 years I have been living here that when I said last week that I have made about a hundred trips to the dump, although I was exaggerating, it can’t be far off.

The guys there say hello to me now when I drive in. one of them even asked how the move was going today.

As I said to him, it’s OK. The rooms have all been sorted out – unwanted furniture has been collected or is in the process of being auctioned. (That makes me sound very grand doesn’t it- auctioned. Truthfully there are two bits which might be depending on the auctioneer’s appraisal).

The removal van booking has turned out to be trickier than first anticipated. Story of your life Mum, eldest said. Yes love. And thanks btw. He laughed.

And then there is butterfly woman (another story).

Otherwise, the week has been dominated by the one thing I cannot do any kind of literary justice to – and I have tried umpteen times these past few days.

Middlest has left home.

How can I describe this- you could call it a life event- but it is more than that. Watching her grow, helping her develop, laughing with her, playing together, singing dancing- lots of all of it. Crying and very little arguing.

The week went by as most weeks have done, and I didn’t plan anything as I kept reminding myself, she is just moving across town E she is not moving to the moon. You will still see her most days. Which is true but it didn’t stop the very real sense of loss I was experiencing mounting .The tears arriving at mostly private moments.  Apart from when I stood at the till in Tesco’s express and wept , bystanders perhaps wondering why the lady with the milk and fruit was crying, at the request for £4.35 for her four items. I scuttled out , items piled up in my arms unable to wipe my face, just wanting to get to the house that is slowly emptying itself of objects and people.

The next two days we spent together as we usually would except, we really ramped up the kitchen dancing – very good, including the Stone Roses, Alpha beat,  Taylor Swift and OMD. Moderated by smallest, I won the final dance off. We sang louder than ever to whatever came on or didn’t come on but came into our heads and drank an extraordinary amount of Yorkshire tea while telling stories about our days.

Oh and we watched Ghosts – of course.

We also cried to each other and said our respective goodbyes – firstly when we stood in the kitchen making tea and chatting about Brian Wilson. We had listened to Lauren Laverne in conversation on BBC Radio 6 music, with another presenter, which was followed by six of the best Brian Wilson songs. One of which was god only knows.

And we busied ourselves, I was sorting something in the fridge and she was squeezing the life out of the tea bags , our backs to each other and I thought god I’m going to cry and as I did I turned to see her already crying, and we just cuddled.

I said thank you then, for allowing me to be her mum and she said “good Mumming”.

Because that’s how I see it- your children either allow you to parent them or they can if they choose turn the other way.

Then, yesterday I said cheerio to her in her new home. We hugged and she said Thank-you, thank you , thank you and I said it had been a pleasure. Because it has been.

And tonight I stood in her room and thought bloody hell.

21 years.

The Week

~ ewhyard ~ Leave a comment

It’s happened. We have made the decision to leave the house we have called home for the past 16 years.

In the end , a decision that was toyed with for about 18 months, happened quickly, and within 24 hours of speaking to the landlord I told him i didnt want to buy it and i would be leaving as soon as I had found somewhere else to live.

So this week the estate agent arrived to take pictures of the house.
He was lovely; friendly, relaxed, and understanding regarding the mess the house is in; pre moving boxes and sorting draped around every room. His acceptance reflected in his frequent use of phrases such as- it is what it is, thats life innit, just do it , yeh just go with it, dooont worry about it.
By the time he had photographed the living room and upstairs – so four rooms, he had also covered his opinions on my landlord, his wife, his chldren- negative -positive -positive respectively- followed by a brief history of his tenure as a estate agent and his wifes current and future occupations.
Interestingly, the job choices if him and his wife are very different and I wondered heavily how they fit together. The answer to this I found on the other side of a short interlude where he ventured into the garden, thanked me for my extra help in sorting out a couple of tarpaulin issues, and then made his way back into the hallway where he prepared to photograph the kitchen. This was done effortlessly on his behalf , and with slightly more on mine as I removed the boxes and the bags that would render the shot useless. As I moved them into the alley I learned of his older sisters emmigration to Australia, his time spent visiting there and his younger sisters brief time staying with her before she came back. I also learned that his sisters relationship at the time had prompted this move there and was also the reason why she came back. His own feelings about going out there were then explored, alongisde a lengthy debate about why some people are more risk averse than others and whether we would do it- I would do so if it weren’t for my Dad and he wouldn’t because he is actully quite fond of his in laws.
This clarified he nipped downstairs to photograph the remaining rooms while I finsihed booking the dump for the 100th time this month.
Back upstairs he wandered into the living room whereupon I came in and sat down for him to take my phone number and discuss next steps, should he need to book in the viewings. I informed him I did not wish to be present as I dont want any future tennats asking questions about the house, and then feeling like I needed to lie so the landlord could sell the place quickly. I dont want to do this as a) the landlord has not done me any particular favours and b), even if he had I am still not prepared to lie.
He agreed that that wasnt my job. I wasnt sure if it was anyones job. Perhaps if it was the landlords job he wouldnt be so inclined to do it. It certainly seems to be a case of out of sight out of mind with him.
Anyway that done I , perched on the edge of my wonderful new comfy emerald green chair, he stood up packing his bits away and chattering about his birthday and his wifes birthday which it tune out are quite close together
Hers the day after his,
He recounted the narrative they go through each year at this time,
Then a message came through and he showed me a pic of his son
who ,he said , will be joined by another. I couldn’t quite work out if this was becase she was preganant or because he just knew that they would. I think it was the latter. Whatever , he clearly loves his family. His wife, is a great wife, and a fantastic mother , who he stole, he says and then laughed at his own joke which apparantly refers to the way they courted* and her age at the time – she was 20 and he was 26.

and then in amongst all this was the piece de resistance
his proposal to this woman who he absolutely thinks the world of.
“she told me a number of different days i couldn’t do it on”, he told me,” and then she told me i couldnt do it in front of people”
“so i thought about it, for two years and i decided to do it on my birthday.”
Throughout I smiled and at times laughed quite genuinely , but im afraid my laughter at this point was directed towards the anticlimatic nature of this story. As he finished, In my head I thought – really? After two years is that the best you could come up with?
i mean i guess if you weren’t expecting it then maybe it was what his expression said it was


but after two years that was your plan???


i must admit as he recounted this and then told me how he couldnt be arsed to walk the ten perhaps 15 minutes to primark (a bit lazy) to change something for his wife, I began to feel a bit disappointed.
perhaps i was expecting too much , perhaps i have done so in the past which is why i am on my own now. I dont know.
Still, i told the story to middlest and she at least agreed and laughed. “a ring in the remote control drawer of the telly unit?”
“dont forget the wink and the head nod” ,i said – “oh and the do you like that ?”

“that was good that, was wasnt it”? he semi asked/stated and I smiled a lot and then he tells me “and I said to her will you give me the best birtjday present ever?”
Smooth talking.
He could probably sell me the house that I am scrabbling around in ,and trying to get out of , as quickly as I possibly can.

*I just used the word courted and I didn teven think about it. I have never used that word before.

Against all odds………………………..

~ ewhyard ~ Leave a comment

i got hold of the book, a dream dictionary, which he had said was probably long gone.

It was tucked away , in respite care, away from over interpretation;

likely in these days of misunderstanding and

over analysis with the best of intention, to steady a mind , lacking constancy.

He said in it in that sardonic way of his ,without much depth,

of course he didnt realise what the book meant. it wasn’t after all something of any value ,

and its genre was perhaps adolescent

which was entirely suitable when you are 17.

When i was looking for it, i recalled the loss of the back cover , in the late 1990’s ,

torn off through over use and tucked into the mattress of the bed . i stuck it back together with cheap sellotape that held up until the journey to uni.

And the front cover, furled on one corner, and scattered with hot rock burns from those days.

Those days and nights.

I had packed it first before clothes or anything considered essential.

But that book it was the window to my unconscious ; I had no idea what was happening back then and the book seemd to make sense of some things, enough to make some days bearable

I remember the day that Dad brought it for me from the bookshop in Felixstowe ; huge expanses of glass

framing displays of second hand books which trickled out onto the pavement over tables outside on sunny days

Inside they stretch backward and round ,

up and down

and just when you thought they were coming to a close, you saw more,

on the floor and chair. A heavenly state of affairs. For those that love books.

Twenty years later and i walked around the corner with a student and there it . was still open.

The student loved books and was amazed , overjoyed when i said lets go in

to buy you a book, I said

something for you and she nearly burst free

the smile took her through and up and round and through and down and

then she emerged

from the middle of it all, book in hand clasping

grasping

as if her life depended upon it

a book

can i have this one

she held it up

smiling nervously

the moment caught me

at the back of my throat

and in my hestiaition she found no

it s not academic enough and she dropped her hand down

and i walked towards her and smiled

yes

yes?

and we smiled

at each other.

and at the dream dictionary she held in her hand.

Dad Moments

~ ewhyard ~ Leave a comment

“Are you coming over tomorrow Splods”, my Dad asks me during our usual evening telephone call.

“Yes Dad yes”, I reply. I am about to say that he knows this, as its Thursday and I always come over on a Thursday, but before I can get beyond know, he has started speaking again, “It’s just I rather hoped you might go to Sainsbury’s for me ……. I have a list you see…”, and I hear the strain in his voice as he moves forwards in his chair, “hang on” , he continues, “just let me…” and there is a scuffle. The strain of moving is vocalised as he pushes himself up and up , out of the chair.

 I am wondering where the phone is at this point, as he needs two hands to accomplish what is now a physically demanding manoeuvre.I feel as if I have fallen, the trajectory of his voice is distant. I can just about hear him saying something

“….”

Its muffled and then

“Oh shit”, his voice rises,” I’ve dropped the phone”

I am on the floor. OK I say, quietly.

                                To myself.

He shouts, “BLOODY HELL FIRE”. The words reached me back then and still do now and I distract myself momentarily.

I look at the time – I am on one of my bedtime schedules to establish a better sleep routine, since I have got into a bad one, trying to develop more of a life beyond work and the kids. Which has just made me tired.

So, it’s back to work and kids.

“HANG ON SPLODS”, I hear my dad shout and land back in his chair “Oooaaarrffff”.

“Right now sorry about that “, he says,” Right this list I have you see,  I was wondering, hang on” he continues to fuff about.

“Ok “, I say patiently.

“Are you ready?”, he asks.

“Yes”, I smile as I reply (have been for a while). He starts to reel off the contents of a list compiled using ‘My Friends’ book. Dad refers to anyone who I know, as my friend. This knowing* can be as loose as having bought their book, so Dale Pinnock is apparently my friend.

“Your friend tells me I should be eating shiitake mushrooms”, he states.

“Oh right”, I smile as I jot down his requirements.

“He says they are good for me so I will have some of these…….

…….and lentils, red ones, turmeric, ginger. Peppers, garlic………

………Fruit- citrus please…and green beans. Yogerty yogerts please……

……..The Big Three” (Milk, bread, wine)……….

No meat though I am being a vegetarian for lent remember ?”, he asks.

“Yes Dad I remember”, I reply and remind him I have smallest in tow as its half term.

to which he sighs’ ,”Oh I was rather hoping you could get all these other things done…”.

He sounds dejected and I feel a bit annoyed but say. “it’s alright Dad don’t worry, it might take longer but I am sure I can manage”. Silence.

“So what is there to do ?”, I ask brightly

“What ?” he says

“What do you want me to do?”I ask again smiling

“When?”

(I inhale)

“Tomorrow dad, you said you had a list?”

“Oh yes well …..Where is it (shuffling and scrunching of paper) , yes I wondered whether you could pop to the Butchers you see, I would like bacon bits , you know I am not convinced that use by dates at supermarkets are accurate-they say you have to eat it in three days! The very reason we used to get bacon was that you could keep it for some time you know and during the war you needed to. Bacon from the butcher well it seems much, well better to me……….”

“The butcher Dad?”

“Yes “he replies

“But you are a vegetarian for lent?” I remind him

“Oh I know that but I need a little bit of meat don’t I ?” he muses.

“To be a vegetarian.” I wonder.

“Yyyyyeees. Well you hear about these vegetarians that eat fish so I am going to be one of those but with bacon. Do you think that’s ok?”, he asks me sincerely.

“I am sure its fine Dad”.

“Brilliant, see you tomorrow then Splods”.

(*NB: when I was a teenager my friends would often be in the vicinity of Friday night moments of ASB on the high street. Usual stuff, fights, shouting occasional plant throwing. This still goes on, although my friends are no longer responsible- in reality -In dads world they are implicated in every act going.

“Your friends have been at it again look “,– he holds up the paper which reads – YOBS Riot in the high street

“Not my mates dad”.

“Are you sure?”

“Fairly sure, it says they are teenagers I think.My mates are 45 mainly.”  I reply having had this conversation many times and no longer needing to read the article to know what it says.

“Yes well. It could be your friends”, he smarts.

 “Yes but its not. Because I don’t know any teenagers anymore. At least not as friends”

“So you say”, he replies his eyes not leaving the paper.

Eldest and I drove down the high street last weekend and as we pass the benches at the bottom of the town ,(where we used to sit and drink on a Friday) we notice a group of 11 or 12-year-olds have congregated. There is a bit of jumping and mucking about going on. Eldest leans across to me – look out Mum there are your mates.

I raise my hand as we pass them).