Against all odds………………………..

i got hold of the book, a dream dictionary, which he had said was probably long gone.

It was tucked away , in respite care, away from over interpretation;

likely in these days of misunderstanding and

over analysis with the best of intention, to steady a mind , lacking constancy.

He said in it in that sardonic way of his ,without much depth,

of course he didnt realise what the book meant. it wasn’t after all something of any value ,

and its genre was perhaps adolescent

which was entirely suitable when you are 17.

When i was looking for it, i recalled the loss of the back cover , in the late 1990’s ,

torn off through over use and tucked into the mattress of the bed . i stuck it back together with cheap sellotape that held up until the journey to uni.

And the front cover, furled on one corner, and scattered with hot rock burns from those days.

Those days and nights.

I had packed it first before clothes or anything considered essential.

But that book it was the window to my unconscious ; I had no idea what was happening back then and the book seemd to make sense of some things, enough to make some days bearable

I remember the day that Dad brought it for me from the bookshop in Felixstowe ; huge expanses of glass

framing displays of second hand books which trickled out onto the pavement over tables outside on sunny days

Inside they stretch backward and round ,

up and down

and just when you thought they were coming to a close, you saw more,

on the floor and chair. A heavenly state of affairs. For those that love books.

Twenty years later and i walked around the corner with a student and there it . was still open.

The student loved books and was amazed , overjoyed when i said lets go in

to buy you a book, I said

something for you and she nearly burst free

the smile took her through and up and round and through and down and

then she emerged

from the middle of it all, book in hand clasping

grasping

as if her life depended upon it

a book

can i have this one

she held it up

smiling nervously

the moment caught me

at the back of my throat

and in my hestiaition she found no

it s not academic enough and she dropped her hand down

and i walked towards her and smiled

yes

yes?

and we smiled

at each other.

and at the dream dictionary she held in her hand.