Let’s not pretend that life isn’t chaotic most of the time
Perhaps we dress it up as order and define ourselves as in control ,and sometimes, for long stretches, days roll over and over and we might feel that we are there. We have reached
At this point though there is the possibility that we might become compacent.
The complacency , nurtures the growth of a backlog of tasks which start as scrawls on the side of your desk jotter and spread to the things to do app on the phone. Eventually, you seek to unify them and end up with things to do, compilation 1 and 2.Which you then attempt to plan complete, giving each day of the week a section of the list in the only way you know how
Often the plans just don’t pan out in the way you imagine they used to – they start to stutter and despite your effort, the navigation through them doesn’t feel orderly
I used to think those days were confined to having small children but over here on the other side of motherhood which I shall call –‘mother to another adult hood’ – those less orderly days can be equally prolific – maybe even more so.
Particularly on those days you earmark for getting things back under control. Like today.
I am blessed with fantastic kids- they are nice, uncontrived, and not materialistic They try hard to accept what we have and have a really healthy and emphatic view of other people whatever their circumstances or their background, they don’t discriminate.
And I am proud of them.
Still, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like my own space away from them, and as life picks up pace, the thought of a couple of hours to myself on a Saturday afternoon was alluring.
After a hectic morning bathroom cleaning, and bike riding with smallest there followed an hour of gentle cajoling as I delivered what middlest decried as my motivational speech
As I pontificated the merits of swimming lessons, smallest edged out of the room, I was left delivering my pearls of wisdom to a lazing teenager who was sufficiently roused by it to pull herself up from her laying position and say,” well that’s motivated me Mum – I’ll go……”.
“Great but you can swim already” I say
She shrugs and I sigh turning in pursuit of smallest who has found refuge in the garden
I continue holding onto the thought of my two hours in the library and continue motivating
My words performing
Like a life raft amongst the waves of a small person’s anxiety
Which he rode on a wave of persuasion all the way to the swimming pool –
and after half an hour of chasing small bobbing plastic animals up and down the pool he decided, that he “liked swimming again now Mummy”.
Dropping smallest off he asked when I am coming back even before I have left and I answer smiling and waving at his still toddler like face before I head on foot to the library parting with middlest at the doors of her favourite charity shop. We embrace and she said ,”you could come in”, and I replied” I have two hours darlin I need to get some work done. I must be self disciplined “,-she nods and I sneak off , at this point, feeling as if I am being naughty
I have work to do and the library seemed the best place to go to concentrate so I walk in and select a spot where I have a view of a tree and I am not surrounded by people and conversations I can ear wig upon.
I sit and smile ,arranging all my bits; laptop, books , pens and drink. As I log in I inhale- – no kids, no distractions apart from my phone.
- Which then rings-
I look down
its eldest –” hi love I am in the library I whisper into the handset” –” oh right he whispers back “–” why are you whispering “,I say –” because you are in the library.” I don’t think it matters if you speak normally”, I say – “oh right” he says, I lean back, aware of the time which is passing more quickly than it usually does- and then I look up
My eyes resting on the waving hand
Attached to middlest who smiles and strides towards me
I smile back and give a smile laugh which teeters on the edge of hysteria
Eldest says,” what is it?”
“Your sister has arrived”
“we are nealry all with you”, he says
“arnt you justI sa”, y as middlest announces that she has come to sit with me
“OK love , its your brother”, I point tot he phone – Hiii she says trying to take the handset –
“Hang On let me speak with him” I say and as she sits down I stand up and walk out to talk to him recounting the irony of the situation that has just unfolded
He laughs and after arranging to meet tomorrow, I slide back into the library sitting down to a smiling-faced middlest who has brought her book with her.
She settles in and then looks over – “is that your drink?”, she says nodding at my drinks bottle – “yes”, I say and she leans in and takes it
I grin widely and shake my head , as I get on with the serious business of making my life a bit less chaotic.
…………. come play my game ill test ya
Prodigy, Breathe 1996
Liam Howlett · Keith Flint · Maxim Reality.